Lots of Psychopaths!
by CrazyDuck5280
Summary: Psychopaths Assemble! A hero, a Dark Lord, a Vampire, a Mobster, 2 Ninjas, Star Wars, Dragon Ball and a lor more in just this new fic! Hilarity and crazyness assured!


AN: I got this idea after watching 'Seven Psychopaths' (If you haven't seen it, go! You'll laugh for a while with it).

For the ninjas, i'll just say that you MUST watch the video that is called 'The Best Ninja escene ever' in You tube. The original is in spanish, but the guy subtitled it and you have to watch it. It's one of the craziest and hilarious things that you'll ever watch.

For the rest of my fics, I won't update 'Doing' or 'Finding out' till i get a Beta Reader. If any of you wants the job, PM me! I sent at least 25 requests to the ones that are enlisted at FF and no one answered!

Enjoy and reaview! (There is another chapter that will come soon!)

Psychopaths

The Order of the Phoenix had moved as soon as they got the news that there was a battle somewhere in Scotland. The MOM sent Aurors too and all of them arrived to see a war.

In the 'battlefield' four forces were battling against each other and they tried to kill the others.

On one of the corners, there were Death Eaters firing curses against the other three and defending themselves from the attacks. Leading them was Voldemort, a.k.a. Psychopath Number one.

To their left, were Vampires who did the same that the Death Eaters: attack and defend themselves. Their leaders were one the Generals of the clan, although they waited for their leader.

Right in front of the DE, some people used no magical methods and were using guns against the two before mentioned forces and against the last one. None of the Wizards recognized their leader but he was shooting as much as his men.

On the last corner, was a man using both spells and bullets against the other three sides. Everyone recognized him as Harry Potter, 'the Boy Who Lived' and the fourth Psychopath.

Remus Lupin took a few of the Order's members and went towards the teen, who almost blasted their heads when they approached him.

"We are friends!" Remus shouted and the teen continued his attacks against the others. Then the werewolf asked: "Care to explain what the hell is going on here?"

"We are throwing a party!" The teen said with a smile, as he reloaded his gun.

"Who are the other guests?" Albus asked Harry with an arched eyebrow, as he and the Order joined the teen's efforts and attacked everyone else.

"What do you want to know: who are they or why they want me dead each of them?" Harry asked with a twisted smile.

"I think that we are interested about the two of them as we can guess about Voldemort." Albus said pointing to the vampires and to the Muggles. Then he asked: "Where have you been, by the way?"

Harry had disappeared two weeks after his return to Privet Drive and no one had heard news of him till tonight. That had been five weeks ago and Hogwarts would start in less than two weeks and no one knew if he would be there,

"I've been trying to survive their murder attempts." Harry said pointing to the two unknown guests.

"Why did they want to kill you?" Remus asked seriously.

"Do you remember all those advices that you gave me about trying to not think about what happened at the MOM?" The teen asked seriously. When they nodded, he continued:

"I got myself a girlfriend and moved to her house." He said and showed them a picture of a redhead girl that was smiling next to the teen. Both were at the entrance of a stadium before a concert.

"Nice girl." Remus said with a smile.

"Yes, but she had a few… problems." Harry said with a mysterious grin.

"Which ones?" Everyone asked arching their eyebrow.

"You see, on my birthday we threw a private party and we decided to finish it in bed. And we didn't have in mind to go to sleep soon if you know what I mean." The teen said with a devious smile, before he went on: "When we were on the best of it, her father appeared on the bedroom."

"He is a vampire?" Albus asked arching an eyebrow and Harry nodded.

"That was the first problem. The second one was that the members of the clan thought that they should talk to me about how bad the idea of us was being together." Harry said before he added: "That's when I made the first mistake: I cut their heads and sent them to her father. That set us in a war that we fight every other day. The day in the middle, I negotiate the peace with him and the next the clan tries to kill me and we start over our little war."

"And who are those guys?" Remus asked, trying to recover from the shock that he and the rest of Order got with the news.

"They answer to her Grandfather, who liked the idea less than her father." The teen said before he added: "And before you ask, I have the same problem with him." Then he pointed to their leader and said: "That's Giovanni Montero, the most important and ruthless Italian Godfather. He's the head of the Cosa Nostra."

Montero, a.k.a. Psychopath Number three, continued shooting without stopping to wonder who was friend and who the enemy was.

"So, you got in war with a Clan of Vampires and the Sicilian Mob? Are you fucking out of your mind?" Remus shouted to Harry.

"And you still don't know the worst part." Harry said with a nod.

"Which is that part?" Albus asked, almost fearing the answer and wondering what could the matters worse here.

Then the Vampire's leader, Vlad Impales, a.k.a. Psychopath Number two, showed up in the battlefield. He immediately charged against the DE, forgetting the Teen and the Muggles.

"Who's that?" Someone asked, as they saw that the Vampire killed whoever made the mistake of standing in front of him and continued his way towards his target: Voldemort.

"You mean to tell me that you got in war with the only known Clan that has been NEUTRAL to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING for the last six centuries?" Albus asked to his student, who nodded with an innocent smile.

"So, you are seeing my solution to all my problems: let them kill each other and deal with whoever survives. Or as they say: the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy." Harry said as he continued attacking, but this time, he shot against the DE and backed up Vlad.

"Couldn't you fix this matter without throwing this party, Harry?" Remus asked with sarcasm, as now the vampires forgot about him and backed up their leader.

"That would have been possible except that last week the things went to the hell." Harry said before he explained: "My girlfriend was killed and she was very pissed off with her father and grandfather. Then both got pissed off with me as they blamed me for being the cause of her anger and they declared the full war against me."

"So they attacked you again and you decided to have this meeting?" Remus asked, as he tried to find sense on this.

"Actually, they blew my house three days ago. In retaliation, I blew two of Montero's warehouses and one of the Vampire's main Houses too. That pissed them off more than they already were." Harry said with a smile before he added: "So I thought in this party and invited them to fix the situation once for all."

"And the Death Eaters?" Everyone asked at the same time.

"If I had to deal with those psychopaths that want me dead, I thought about why shouldn't deal with the third at the same time?" The teen said shrugging his shoulders. Then he shouted: "BANZAIII!" And left his hiding and run towards the DE shooting everything and everyone that crossed his path.

"Albus, didn't I tell you that sending him back to his relatives was a VERY bad idea?" Remus asked the Headmaster seriously, as both saw the teen getting his way through Voldemort's ranks and arriving next to the vampire.

"Are you suggesting that this is my fault?" Albus asked with an arched eyebrow.

"If you would have let him go to the Burrow, he wouldn't have met his girlfriend and as consequence, he wouldn't have been in the middle of this situation. So, Albus, it's your fault." Moody said seriously before he asked what they should do and who were they supposed to attack.

Before anyone answered him, and while Harry reached to Vlad and now both fiught back to back against the Dark Lord and his minions, the things got more… insane if that was possible: LOTS of Ninjas showed up at the battlefield to join the war.

"Are they friends of yours?" The vampire asked the teen with an arched eyebrow.

"I have never seen them." The teen said seriously, before taking a look at the mobster who was as confused as both of them.

But the Ninjas' addition to the battle was just as everything else: insane. Suddenly, there were lots of explosions and they blew up. They started to shoot starts and killed other ninjas. That added to the fact that now the Mobsters forgot about the vampires and attacked them.

"And who the hell are those two?" Montero asked to the teen and the vampire, as he had made his way to them. He wanted to make sure that no one killed Harry before he had the chance to do so.

Once all the ninjas were down, either by their own attacks or by the other fighters', another two showed up: the Ocher Ninja, a.k.a. Psychopath Number five and the Purple Ninja, a.k.a. the Psychopath Number six.

"Who invited them?" Harry asked the other two men who shrugged their shoulder as answer.

In the meantime, the Ninjas started to attack everyone too and tried to kill each other from time to time and their arsenal was wide ranged to tell the truth; Ninja stars and firecrackers, Rocket launchers Nunchucks from the Purple Ninja, a massive Flamethrower sai that the Ocher Ninja had but the purple one had one hidden weapon:

"KAME HAME HA!" He shouted and he threw a freezing beam against the pure Ocher Ninja that couldn't escape from it and was burnt somehow.

"Who called this guy?" Montero asked the others as the Ocher Ninja was reduced to ashes.

"I have no idea!" The other two swore at the same time.

The guy turned around and looked at the trio and then to Voldemort, who was wondering what the hell was going on and who the guys that were with Potter were.

"Who killed Jimmy?" The Ninja asked to the four psychopaths.

"He did!" Harry shouted, pointing to Voldemort. Montero and Vlad wasted no time and did the same.

"You cannot kill me, Harry. I'm your father." Voldemort suddenly said, and turned his wand into a light saber.

"I'm officially freaked out now! HE watched Star Wars?" Remus asked to Albus, in complete shock.

"The fate of the son is to kill the father then!" Harry shouted and took a sword and cut Voldemort's head. Then he turned to the other three with a scary smile and asked them: "Shall we continue the party or do I have to call my guest?"

"Who is your guest?" Vlad asked with an arched eyebrow.

"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING? WHAT GIVES YOU THE DAMN RIGHT TO THREATEN MY BOYFRIEND?" A girl asked shouting to Montero and Vlad. Everyone turned to see Harry's girlfriend, Miriam Impales, who was pointing a flamethrower against her father and grandfather. She was the Psychopath Number seven and had a Black Panther that was named Shadow and she was the Psychopath Number Eight.

"Wasn't she dead?" Tonks asked Remus, who shrugged his shoulder as answer as the girl and her family had an argument about her 'death'.

"Miri, you are alive!" Montero said with a happy smile and trying to hug his granddaughter, but a shot of the flamethrower stopped him and the vampire.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO PLAYING AT? DIDN'T I ORDER YOU TO LEAVE HARRY ALONE?" The girl shouted to both men as the Ninja tried to attack her, but the Panther was faster and attacked him. In a matter of seconds, the animal was feeding herself with the Ninja.

"You need to calm down, sweetie," Vlad said, as he tried to calm his daughter and her cat. Obviously she was a bit pissed off with him and the mobster for their several murder attempts against the teen wizard.

In the meantime, lot of Ministry Officers showed up and started to make arrests against the few surviving DE. The mobsters left his boss alone to deal with his Grandchild and her boyfriend. The couple scared them more than their boss! The Vampires followed their example and fled too.

"Let's them settle their differences." Harry suggested to everyone and they moved a bit away from the trio.

"Didn't you say that she was dead?" Remus asked to the teen with an arched eyebrow.

"The idea was to cool things and then I could sit to talk with Vlad and Montero to… fix our problem. So she faked her death. But it didn't work as it was planned." Then he asked Remus VERY seriously: "We are one hundred percent sure that James Potter was my father, right?"

"Yes, we are very sure of that." Remus said very seriously too. The idea of Voldemort being your father could give nightmares to anyone.

"Harry, baby, daddy and grandpa wants to talk to you." Miriam called him with a sweet smile.

"Shall we sign the peace and smoke the pipe today? Or do we need to continue with this little war?" Harry asked the duo of adults, as he petted the animal that growled to the duo.

"I am a big fan of the peace!" Both said at the same time and shook Harry's hand before leaving as fast as they could.

"Shall we celebrate?" Miriam asked Harry with a sweet smile.

Before the teen could answer, Remus cleared his throat to catch their attention. Harry threw him a very annoyed look that said 'You are a dead man as soon as this is over.'

"Nice to meet you, I'm Remus." The werewolf said, ignoring Harry's look and shaking Miriam's hand. Then he told Harry seriously: "There are a lot of people that would like to see you. And I have no wished to deal with them."

"I'll talk to them sometime within this year. I have been expecting to get her gift since my birthday! And I will kill anyone who interrupts us this time!" The teen shouted to the Order. Then he turned to Miriam and said: "Shall we leave too?"

"It was a pleasure." The girl said with a smile, before both of them plus the cat dissaparated.

"Who tells Molly about this?" Kingsley suddenly asked to Remus, Albus and Alastor.

"Don't look at me!" Remus shouted as he waved his hands vehemently.

"Hell if I will!" Moody said shaking his head too.

"We leave it to the Prophet!" Albus said suddenly, as he walked towards Amelia and Rufus. Obviously they wanted some explanations about this.

"At least, he's dead!" Remus said pointing to the headless body of Voldemort.

"Amen!" The other three chorused.


End file.
